Banditry: The idle musings of John B

• Lunch & wine are required. #
• The Last Boleyn Girl seems about as terrible as that sort of shit usually is. Hoping Jess will tire of it before we miss House #
• Sorry, director, The Other Boleyn Girl was OK. Scarlett Johansson was heartbreakingly beautiful, but I suppose that’s what she’s for. #
• I love Mondays. Oh, wait, no, it’s that other one… ‘hate’, that’s the bunny. #
• Trying to decide which of ‘hunger’ and ‘not wanting to be rained on’ is most important motivator for me #
• Call me a bleeding heart eejit, but 4 years in jail for sending pervy emails to 15-year-olds seems kind-of harsh: http://tinyurl.com/ktsd4k #
• Wondering whether or not it was a good idea to use the same name as my Twitter ID and my online dating ID #
• RT @dnotice I forgot to take my #homeopathy pill last night. Does this mean I’ve overdosed? #science #
• A rather sweet Yank perspective on London; somehow it feels like it’s from 30 years ago… http://is.gd/13qcc #
• RT @antonvowl I’m worried about my cloak of anonymity. I’m sure I had it around here somewhere #
• No, he took *some of your vast fortune*, not your life, you daft overmaterialist twat: http://tinyurl.com/nouqzp #
• RT @bengoldacre Anonymous blogger exposed by Eady: can we expose bad judges please? http://tr.im/oJaa – I’m angrier, but he hits the point #
• XKCD made me laugh out loud at my desk today: http://xkcd.com/598/ #
• Can’t read the word ‘particleboard’ without thinking of http://is.gd/14lUF , which is a problem given that I publish http://is.gd/14lYA #
• Absolutely excellent: http://is.gd/14pnL #
• This comment is also good: http://tinyurl.com/lwognm #
• RT @Herring1967 Who is Virgilio Anderson? Please Retweet. #virgilioanderson #
• RT @widnblog Prisons released from mere function http://tinyurl.com/m5fef3 #
• Richard Rogers is excellent; if you don’t like his work you’re a philistine and almost certainly have a small penis. FACT #
• (yes, even if you’re a girl) #
• Lefties, lefties will tear themselves apart, again #politicsinjokes #rupertreadisatwat #
• Harmless comedians jailed for, err, nothing: http://bit.ly/17tyCL – graffiti is jolly and harmless; if you mind it, you’re a cunt #
• & no, they didn’t ‘cost the taxpayer gbp70k’, TfL’s insane practice of erasing graffiti urgently instead of waiting til the next repaint did #
• RT @edent: http://twitpic.com/7n0jr A police officer has just asked me to delete this photo of her van in a disabled bay #
• Home educators really are paranoid loons: http://is.gd/15j8B – and no, that doesn’t mean I think HE should be banned, just regulated… #
• RT @mrpower Why do environmentalists trust science when it comes to climate change but not genetic engineering? http://is.gd/15qdo #
• Dragna, Quality name. Girl/dragon/combo. I like. Staying out tonight = unequivocally worthwhile #
• RT @anniemole Hope you’re all smiling as today’s apparently the happiest day of the year http://is.gd/169Z4 #
• Actually I’m grimly clinging onto consciousness trying to ignore the world’s most epic hangover, but chacun a son gout etc. #
• “Psychologist Dr Cliff Arnall” is a twat #
• Quality trompe l’oeil: http://bit.ly/IFfSb – I’m hoping for outcome no. 1 #ihatecyclists (via @LDN) #
• Today is dragging. #
• RT @antonvowl @bounder – Worst Daily Mail poll ever. Vote yes to skew the results and pass it on http://bit.ly/w4b6Q #
• Just heard 1 Canada Square described as the “Thatcher Memorial Obelisk”. That’s quite wonderful. #
• Haha, excellent: http://bit.ly/ntv9V #
• (I’ve just been bummed by a) Priest #irishmovies #
• One Wedding, A Fight, and Four Funerals #irishmovies #
• This is epic skillz – http://is.gd/16Hob – and reminds me of the time my friend met Nina Simone #
• Sorry, that was supposed to be RT’d @anattendantlord #
• Michael Collins (would have made a good president instead of that useless hick twat Valera, shame the IRA shot him) #irishmovies #
• Sean of the Dead #irishmovies #
• Correlli Barnett claims to be a historian. He is mistaken: http://is.gd/17eiB – least accurate account of 20th century UK history EVER #
• I caught @mrpower lying on http://www.twables.com/twotweetslie/guess/mrpower #twables #
• If you can’t find the Fritzl book, another Father’s Day option: http://bit.ly/HCfJ1 #
• This is unspeakably vile: http://tinyurl.com/kmx8og #hangthedailymailandeveryonewhobuysit #

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• Can some Eurologist like @nosemonkey explain how the BNP got a seat in NW on 8% of vote, but not in E Mids or NE on more than that? #
• RT @qwghlm In case you haven’t seen it already, B3ta sums it up best http://bit.ly/I2LhG #theBNParetwats #
• Thanks everyone. Why on earth didn’t they make the constituencies comparably sized? (8 vs 3 is just silly) #
• It’s worth noting the BNP vote was *down* compared with the last Euro elections. They’re the same bigots as before, not new ones… #
• Lazy eejits let Nazi in: “if 5000 more people in the NW had voted Green, Griffin wouldn’t be off to Strasbourg” http://tinyurl.com/mzpc2d #
• “Less a putsch than a series of tschoves” http://tinyurl.com/l2aeqp #
• ‘Inverting the lexicon of politics and history [by calling the BNP left-wing] is political correctness gone mad’ http://tinyurl.com/mk8u3f #
• Nazi results: Stoke is Nazi-est, Barnsley second, Havering 3rd: http://tinyurl.com/ns5ej9 #
• Stoke is 93% white, Barnsley 98%, Havering 91%. ALL SWAMPED BY EVIL HORDES OF IMMIGRANTS THEY ARE, and definitely not just bigoted cunts #
• Haha, brilliant: http://tinyurl.com/mt5ucx #istherightthingtodo #andfuckstheTories #
• RT @charlottelydia: NickGriffin thinks immigration is ‘colonialism’. Well I’m a historian of colonialism, and I think Nick Griffin is a cunt #
• The only time I’ll agree with the English Democrats on anything is that ‘diversity officers’ are wastes of space: http://tinyurl.com/nyepw3 #
• What’s wrong with ‘let people from everywhere in’, ‘ban them from being fucked over’ but ‘allow & encourage satire & mockery of all by all’? #
• Just lost at TV: endured Sex In The City, but then wasn’t allowed Ross Kemp’s Pirates in recompense. Need to cut down trees or something. #
• RT @johnnyminkley Man Utd should buy Newcastle with the proceeds. Just for laughs. #ronaldo #
• Do anti-EU eejits who think ‘we can’t vote for the Commission’ is a sane argument also think it’s an outrage we can’t vote for the Cabinet? #
• Great way to waste an afternoon- all the Beatles’ songs, reviewed & ranked in reverse order of merit: http://tinyurl.com/a93wdd #
• Wondering if there’s really much difference in ‘Independence’ terms between the current & the potential slightly-dodgy foreign proprietor #
• For provincial readers, electricity is a magical invisible force that can move things without the aid of horses & rope http://bit.ly/aV3nL #
• I’ve given up on data export (‘one memory stick, 4 computers, 50GB of data’ is mildly *more* unpleasant than 2girls1cup…) & drinking wine #
• Before anyone fears for my health, I mean I’ve given up on data export and *am now* drinking wine #
• Top Twitter Trending Topics currently appear to include “David Carradine’s Air France Flight”. Now that’s a B-movie I’d hire. #
• RT @TACJ I am become deaf. Mishearer of words. #
• My moderate take on BNP apologists: http://bit.ly/l5Opz #
• Fuck Prince Charles. Twunt. Can’t believe the woo-woo promoting, modern-world-hating tosser is gonna be king: http://tinyurl.com/nedgam #
• New BOFH reminds me of major ‘err, IT, WTF’ point: since storage costs ~nothing, why *are* mailboxes limited to 200MB? http://is.gd/ZPyl #
• The only way to demonstrate to the world that we see Griffin as an eggworthy disgrace is to repeatedly pelt him with eggs: http://is.gd/ZTuM #
• RT @hungbunny I’m off my tits. (You wouldn’t like them much either, they’re quite hairy.) #
• got facebook.com/johnband – woo. #
• I’m no Bob Crow fan, but Simon Heffer should be nailed to a plank: http://tinyurl.com/kp79mv #

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• UKIP aren’t just comedy loons, they’re lying bigots: http://tinyurl.com/m74qbe #ukiparetwats #
• Green Party in ‘don’t understand decentralised decision-making or economics; are hacks’ shock: http://tinyurl.com/nu2kmb #
• Eric Moody may be an ex-BA captain, but he’s also a disgraceful rentaquote hack: http://tinyurl.com/map6qj #
• CNN were reading off messageboard posts from an unmoderated aeroplane fans’ forum last night as expert commentary on AF447 #
• …so @themanwhofell on right track with ‘TWITTERNEWS’, TV with unsubstantiated news snippets broadcast by admin clerks in NW11 #twitternews #
• Heh: RT @qwghlm Yeah I’m also watching my DVDs of LOST tonight for full poor taste experience #
• RT @qwghlm Since voting for a minor party is our best hope of keeping out the BNP, I’m seriously considering voting Labour tomorrow #
• Good night. Strange night. Suppose that’s how it goes… #
• Haha, survivalism at its best RT @widnblog Chinese billionaires build Noah’s Ark to tide over recession http://tinyurl.com/ryuzfh #
• RT @twentymajor When will celebrities learn that strangley wanks are best avoided? Or at least have someone do the strangling for you. #
• RT @ironmanrecords good to see BNP candidates get extra use out of suits they normally just use for court appearances #theBNParetwats #
• 92% of London Daily News readers in ‘are paranoid idiots’ shock: http://tinyurl.com/oulqy6 #
• Why are ballot papers in alphabetical order anyway? Surely they should be randomised…? http://tinyurl.com/px9d7m #
• & yup, just voted. Decided that ‘not corrupt’ and ‘not evil’ trumped ‘sensible about medical science’, for an EU seat at least #
• Can’t believe people still care about this shit. It’s even more tedious and dated than Westminster politics #bb10 #
• YES, THIS! RT @emeraldbile How tedious – all those Labour chavs who diddled the pin money are leaving or something. Yawny yawny cunt cunt. #
• Water ‘wet’: http://tinyurl.com/p5qdl2 #
• For anyone who voted BNP on Thursday, this: http://bit.ly/UU2Qw
  #thebnparetwats #
• If you liked Happy Tree Friends, this: http://rathergood.com/bear #
• Do not click this link. NSFW, or indeed anywhere else: http://www.luriddigs.com/ #
• Every ninth person in Leicester is a cunt RT @tipexxed 26,279 people in Leics voted BNP, 12% of those who voted. One in every 8.5 people. #
• The ignorant bastards commenting on this excellent article should all be hanged: http://tinyurl.com/p7qm93 #
• I’m not, in general, a fan of Tory politicians, but Mary Scanlon MSP is t3h excellents: http://tinyurl.com/l28dpn #

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• Not enjoying return to work. Feel utterly poleaxed, even though Monday was a day of great sobriety and moderation. #
• “What’s *like* Butt Hole but slightly more polite?” “I know, ‘Archer’!” http://bit.ly/UtterlyButterly #
• @antonvowl @billybragg bloody hell, that’s some scary voodoo you’ve got there #
• Germans in ‘even more terrifyingly insane than us’ award: http://tinyurl.com/rcgfhd #
• Early night. Tour of half-built railway line in the morning. Good follow-up to silly weekend. #
• @bloggerheads shame Izzard didn’t mention that best way to keep #thebnparetwats out is voting green http://tinyurl.com/rxsxnm #
• I wwonder if ppl who thought falling £/$ rates = OMG WE’RE FUXXORED now think we’re in a new age of milk and honey http://tinyurl.com/pltrl9 #
• Just overheard in office: “the bad news is you’re sacked, the good news is not yet so get on with your work” #
• I *think* it was a joke #
• “Banking industry now held in such contempt customers feel safer handing money to people who are openly Spanish” http://tinyurl.com/rb9kc5 #
• I now have 5 hours of recurring-forever meetings scheduled every single Monday, starting at 9AM. Woo. #
• @mrpower wow, that’s some of the silliest nonsense I’ve ever read, even by US right-wing-blog standards never mind MSM in reply to mrpower #
• Surely this should be Comic Sans? http://xkcd.com/590/ #
• @antonvowl indeed. Hence, if I wanted to rile a typography lover, I’d use Comic Sans rather than Papyrus… #
• Quality old joke repurposing: RT @chickyog Bill Cash: ‘my flat was incredibly small.’ Yeah, and so’s my violin, mate. #
• @catdonnelly insert ‘careless wispa’ gag #
• RT @antonvowl Dear Iain Dale, I think Nadine Dorries is a twat. This doesn’t mean I think you’re a twat. But as it happens, I do. #
• I totally did this, and it totally worked: http://tinyurl.com/q834on #
• Grass “greener on other side”: http://tinyurl.com/my9prx #
• “As you all know I’m a big fan of 70s prog/synth rock soundtracks to italian horror movies” is not a good way to begin an email #
• I bought some trendy East German sneakers on ebay. Bastards reported me to the Stasi #
• A guide to right-wing thought – RT @dnotice: Why the X hate the Y http://is.gd/Kwiz #
• arr. too hungover. can you get new heads on eBay? #
• @dnotice I’ve already got one of those! I want an unshrunken, unpickled, thoroughly hydrated one… #

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• “Why is the misfortune of losing a pet worthy of more consolation than the much greater one of being stupid?” http://tinyurl.com/o72znq #
• A sledgehammer to crack a nutjob: http://tinyurl.com/rxknvv #sackdorries #reformdaftenglishlibellaw #thebarclaybrothersarevilecrooks #
• Victoria Coren is t3h excellents: http://tinyurl.com/p6nzn5 #

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Freemania has done tagged me with a meme: 7 things I love. Not in order, and probably not accurate.

1) intelligent girl-pop. c.f.

2) Chris Morris. Explanation required? Go elsewhere.

3) London. Everything about London. Name a thing you don’t like about London and I’ll like it. Well, apart from fiver-a-mile cab fares.

4) Writing. Oh come on, duh.

5) Falling asleep with a woman I love already asleep on my chest, or failing that shoulder. Former not for a while, latter recent-er. Not particularly loving current carefree bachelor existence, in all honesty.

6) Not being poor. Which probably translates, certainly by global standards and maybe even UK standards, as ‘being fairly rich’. Knowing that if even if I get laid off in the downturn/recession/depression/apocalypse and can’t get a job, I’ve saved enough money in the bank to pay a good few years’ rent. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never spent more than gbp900 on anything at all – but do at least lead a fairly not-worrying-about-how-much-that’ll-cost life.

7) Puerile humour. ‘Fox in a box’. Viz. I suppose Chris Morris predicted that, but any bad pun or bad tastery (possibly aside from bad tastery that’s vindictively aimed at a non-loathsome group) wins my favour.

I don’t do re-tagging, but if I did, it’d probably be the best re-tagging in the world.

In an example of ‘embarrassing lack of imagination’, I’m going to post the top words that my phone believes I want to type when presented with a given letter. Maybe this could be a new meme, if people are really that bored.

NB I use my phone to blog, Twitter and send work emails, as well as txt msgs and personal emails. I’m assuming ‘vote’ is from blogging, ‘editorial’ from work, and ‘drunk’ from home life, although nothing is certain in this world. Oh, also my phone has a QWERTY keyboard, hence 2ABC not agglomerated together…

A: also / agree / airport / also happy ['airport' is the start of a theme]
B: based / been / because / be able to
C: can you / can you send / could / cheers [needy, me? think these are mostly work though]
D: driver / days / due to / drunk
E: email / entered / editorial / editor
F: flight / fine / from / flat
G: great / going / good / goes
H: however / have / have been / him to
I: it’s / it’s not / India / in the [It's not India? Well, why all the elephants and beggars then?]
J: job title / just / John / Jess [I'm there from signing off work emails]
K: know / know it’s / Kentish / Kentish Town [you know it's Kentish, Kentish Town, despite its geographical location]
L: less / last / line / least
M: most / make / mean / me know
N: need / need to / number / needs
O: on this / on the / on my / only
P: post / please / please can / please can you [again, think this is work]
Q: quid / queries / quite / quickly
R: rIGHT / road / rather / resolved [yes, I'm surprised by capitalisation here. Silly phone]
S: some / see you / should / should be
T: this / to be / that / the current
U: under / using / until / until we
V: vote / volume / voicemail / vine
W: will / with / which / wine [vine and wine. yay!]
X: Xavier [I've never typed 'Xavier' and don't know anyone called Xavier. Christ knows why HTC decided to put this as the only & default option for X. Maybe I'll get an x-ray just so I can tell people about it...]
Y: your / you get / you send / years
Z: Zealand / zones / zenith

Only 3 numbers have predictions attached:
1: 1925 / 1983 / 12ish [flight time, absolutely no idea but presumably the year, and time of day, respectively. There was a brief time when '1' came up with '17 year old', for reasons that baffled me - yes, I checked my sent messages, and nothing untoward was apparent]
3: 3 seats [to myself, on the Flight from the Airport to India at 1925]
7: 7ish [probably later formalised to 1925]

So, readers, what does my phone say about me? What’s the most amusing SMS you can create from the words above? What’re your favourite predictive messaging predictions?

So, I can access the wp-admin and the database now, but the site bit is still blank… weird.

This time it was Indian spammers rather than Chinese spammers, exacerbated by my host’s good-really-I-know-but-still-infuriating security policy, my lack of access to computers that aren’t insanely locked down and/or that don’t access the internet, and the increased curmudgeonlyness of householders with wifi.

In related news, temporary accommodation sucks, even when it’s very nice temporary accommodation that you’re living in for timing reasons rather than homelessness reasons.

Update: well, that seems to be working OK now. Unix file permissions are, to a close approximation, the most annoying things in the world.

When citing rest-stop graffitti:

1. List the name of the rest area (if it has a name) in italics.
2. Name the state in which it was located.
3. Name the highway it abuts (with direction headed).
4. List the nearest mile marker.
5. List the date the graffitti was observed.

Example: “Head you wouldn’t believe, call 555-3278.” [The Ida C. Collins Memorial Rest Area, Wisconsin; Interstate 94 South (Mile Marker 218): May 14, 1997.]

And many more. Via.

Sure, we’ve all been making this bad joke for years, but none of us never got around to recording the song: