Category Archives: Gimpy internet nonsense

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-07-12

  • Noting the correlation between ‘people who make noise complaints’ and ‘miserable bastards who’re jealous that other people get to have fun’. #
  • It’s one-to-one in my book. #
  • I’ve never made a noise complaint. It’s only noise, FFS: sleep through it, or kill yourself if you’re too pathetic to manage that #
  • Actually, that’s a lie: my ex once made me complain to a neighbour about noise. I respected her less for it. We broke up shortly after. #
  • Clearly if I were an honourable man who valued principles over domestic harmony, I’d have given the ‘sleep or kill self’ response #
  • RT @qwghlm Religion enshrined in law telling people what they can’t do one day of the week when most people don’t practice it – backwards #
  • Gibbering incoherent nonsense FTW: #
  • “If you imagined the most boring person ever there’s a good chance he’d be called Roger & come from Switzerland” #
  • Hard to not: RT @catdonnelly Is it not odd to hoover the tiles out front of your house in only pants, whilst simultaneously looking shifty? #
  • “a crisis they did not create” – perhaps, but did massively profit from the upside #
  • RT @uaf Cops swoop on BNP terrorists RT and get this trending! #theBNParetwats #
  • Fair point – RT @qwghlm @johnb78 @uaf Even alleged murderous fascists have the right to presumed innocence, surely? #
  • Can someone explain why locking this chap up is a Good Idea? – #
  • Loony win: #
  • Head still not quite right. Hoping early, sober night will sort it out. Apparently lost weekend isn’t the best followup to jetlag after all #
  • RT @themanwhofell Poor Michael Jackson. He is not The King of Pop. He is The Jonathan King of Pop. #
  • Off to Leeds at the weekend. First-class-return-for-£60-woo #
  • R Herring’s nicked iPhone experience reminds me of all my cop interactions – very helpful, despite trivial offence #
  • Makes me wonder about the right-whingers who think police never turn up, help etc – is it because they’re rude arrogant twunts maybe? #
  • RT @JonnyB Basically, all you have to do to get new followers is to talk in nouns. Wine, horse racing, flowers, garden furniture, porn. #
  • – yay, my allies aren’t as bigoted as the Tories; shame they’ve fuck all clue #
  • Good piece in @londonist on the ‘immigrants are taking our houses’ lie from @jonnelledge #
  • RT @CathElliott Letter to my 17yo daughter, in which D Cameron refers to adult female Tory candidate as a”girl” – #
  • Utter bollocks from C4 news: – cloning and intercepting GSM/CDMA mobiles = impossible outside the lab #
  • Voicemail hacking, downloading spyware, and bribing network engineers possible, obviously #
  • Sensible gov’t move to save money; Taxpayers Alliance objects: #
  • People who whistle, play YouTube videos out loud, or talk, in offices should all be hanged. Bring back the Victorian workplace. #
  • RT @johnbrissenden @STWuk Will Jack Straw prosecute himself under his new war criminals law? #
  • Making scallops and bacon. Oh yeah. #
  • Chinese government in ‘are corrupt evil bastards who fit people up for political reasons’ shock: #
  • Walked past a homeless guy who was singing “when I was young I thought life was so logical”. I said that’s Supertramp. He said ta very much #
  • In a better world, this kind of detailed investigation would be in the papers: #
  • Why is the only decent polemical investigative journalism now on blogs and in ageing rock mags ( )? #
  • RT @djbarker – The guy in this car just told me I’m not allowed to take his photo (via @qwghlm) #
  • Nicholas Penny in ‘is a dismal twat’ shock: (via @AdamBienkov) #
  • Haha RT @franksting: “11 Photos Where Black People Were Awkwardly Photoshopped In or Out” (via @mrpower) #
  • Across The Univers #filmfonts #
  • Zapf to the Future #filmfonts #
  • Madame Sans-Serif #filmfonts #
  • I Love Lucida #filmfonts #
  • Last Chancery Harvey #filmfonts #
  • Apparently these are the chaps on fire: #
  • #followfriday @mrpower @hungbunny @kara_simsek @preachypreach @blueprintmag @flashboy #
  • Epic (non-vandalistic) graffiti fun: – via b3ta #
  • Quite funny – – but no RSS feed so I’ll never see it again :-( #
  • Being part of a pub co-operative could be rather fun, anyone else upferit? (via @theblogpaper) #
  • In Bedfordshire. Wish this was a twee euphemism #
  • Looking forward to LFAT’s impassioned defence of Simon Bikindi #
  • mildly surprised to discover the festival i’ve been dragged to LEe #
  • mildly surprised to discover the festival i’ve been dragged to Leeds for is actually a school fete #
  • On the plus side, only 5 hours til Chumbawamba come on #
  • on plus side, a steel drum band of schoolkids is playing Teenage Kicks #
  • …and now One Step Beyond. Epic. #
  • too much wholesome enthusiasm. have gone to old man pub to drink guinness and eat scampi fries #
  • Back. more festivally & less schooly. ukeleles go! #
  • ukelele people covering Teenage Dirtbag in the style of the Sundays. Or I’ve taken too many drugs. VIEWER DECIDES #

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-07-05

  • Yes, Mumbai is indeed hotter and damper than London. Including all of London’s Turkish baths. #
  • Good @realdmitchell article, most of the commenters are ignorant fucktards: #gasthenonswearingcuntwits #
  • I agreee about 75% with this piece – – but 100% with running it now rather than deferring to sentimental ‘respect’-ery #
  • Idly contemplating whether to order idli. Or a kebab. And whether a bottle of wine would be excessive. #
  • This is rather sweet, but will make you feel *very* old: #
  • What’s the best way to defend democracy? A military coup, of course! Mary O’Grady = massive eejit #
  • This is an easy one – “no, of course not” – RT @libcon Article: Do we need an ‘Armed Forces Day’? #
  • This is what globalisation is for: so I can sit in a Hyderabad hotel room, drunkish on decentish local red, slagging off Brits on Twitter #
  • Odd news: RBS beats HSBC to come 4th in “World’s Strongest Bank” league #
  • In 1997-00, Tories so unpopular that OUCA = uglygeekboys. Mebbe why I’ve always written ‘em off. 1989 a different story #
  • Ooops. Nearly sent a msg to @herring1967 referencing a gag that was actually by @realdmitchell. Not sure how I could’ve’ lived that down #
  • How come @bigdaddymerk gets the Queen for 69p a year, whereas when I try I’m arrested for high treason, stalking and gerontophilia? #
  • As far as I can see, nobody in the UK’s been mad enough to draw this comparison: – but give them time #
  • I don’t get the Madoff sentencing. Some rich people lost some money. Why’s that 150 years’ jail, rather than 150 hours’ community service? #
  • Thanks to @beatniksalad, I discover that Bernie Madoff cleaned out the Kissingers. Surely reason for forgiveness in & per se? #
  • Need to go to bed, as need to get up at 0430, catch an intercontinental flight, arrive, do a day’s work and go to a gig. #preemptivelytired #
  • (nb: it’s 8pm here) #
  • Grr. Obviously the day I get from plane to luggage in 15 mins wil be the day luggage takes 45 mins to arrive #
  • fuck me, London hotter than India and less air conditioned. #
  • Can’t think of a witty comment but digging the VHS #virgilioanderson #
  • Flash picnic in Bermondsey Square at 1730 today – please RT: #
  • The Economist meets the King of Sweden, is impressed: #
  • If I met the King of Sweden I’d find it very difficult to avoid asking him to buy me things that I was needin’… #
  • Nobody tell Michael O’Leary about this, OK? – #
  • I’m meeting a man in a pub later today who’s going to sell me two live crustaceans. I feel disturbingly like Withnail as a result #
  • i’ve got a carrier bag with two live animals in it. this seems weird #
  • Today is a day for drinking wine and cooking lobsters. Yes it is. #
  • What is it with F1 and Nazis? (via @cynicaldragon) #
  • Preparing for housewarming. Champagne and lobsters FTW. If you’re following me you’re invited. #
  • nef really are an appalling bunch of charlatans: is some of the worst analysis of anything I’ve ever seen. #
  • aaagh. hangover-tastic. vague memories of sleazy and bad things. sunday morning, in other words. #

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-06-28

  • Lewes = pretty town. A23 between Croydon & Elephant & Castle = road to, from & via hell. Glad to be back in N19 #
  • RT @PreachyPreach Germany does its best to ensure a long prolonged recession. #
  • “Miners and police unite in beating the crap out of Greenpeace anti-coal protestors” #worldwithoutThatcher #
  • If Stephen Hester makes his full pay packet, govt profits on its RBS stake will be £100 for every person in the UK. I’m happy with that deal #
  • RT @antonvowl Only the Conservatives could be angry that a Conservative got elected as Speaker #
  • Does this guy get time off his sentence for the kneecapping: ? Suspect not, but would probably be fairer if so #
  • (and would deter other vigilantes) #
  • Seems 2b working: RT @themanwhofell if the Incredible Hulk is your favourite Marvel superhero, apply a green tint to your avatar. Please RT #
  • Evening defined ‘bittersweet’, dinner with 2 women I used to be in love with & vv, now all friends, great time, depressing bed-home-solo #
  • Conversation of the night: parallels between Ezra Pound’s antisemitic anti-bank Depression poetry and modern anti-bank narratives. ENJOYED #
  • Someone just followed me offering ‘total happiness’. I blocked him. #
  • RT @bengoldacre David Tredinnick MP claims £510 for astrology software: guess this makes him both stupid AND stupid #
  • RT@themanwhofell I’m not going to Glastonbury but I may walk to East Finchley or Wood Green or Crouch End, possibly wearing a hair shirt. #
  • RT @mrpower Prince Charles makes effort to reduce personal spending. Now brushes own teeth and wipes own arse. Next stage: Feeding himself. #
  • MP expenses PR man is paranoid loony: ‘this is dynamite, it’s big trouble, I could be arrested, deported or disappeared’ #
  • interesting one – RT @pressgazette Journalism job vacancy: Online news editor for Press Gazette #
  • I hate the BBFC, they’re a bunch of spacky mongoloid joeys: #
  • Things I don’t understand about Twitter: how an obvious spambot like @createincome has almost as many ‘followers’ as ‘following’ #
  • Vile views, positive outcome – Nixon’s racism moderated his opposition to abortion: (via @jonnelledge) #
  • Anyone who plays music in an office should be instantly shot. Ditto anyone who blows an airhorn. I hate salespeople. #
  • Whistling, also. Indeed, whistling in any context outside of a musical performance should be punished by boiling alive. #
  • For all Patrick Foster’s awfulness, at least he screwed over the twunts at the ABD: (via @TACJ who seems less impressed) #
  • RT @PreachyPreach RIP Swells. #
  • This makes perfect sense, although doubtless will outrage silly people: #
  • This is absolutely WIN – brilliant demolition of Tory strategy post-2007 and vindication of what the gov’t have done: #
  • Anyone want a ticket for Bruce Springsteen in Hyde Park on Sunday? Offers accepted #
  • Blimey, Michael Jackson’s dead and the first I knew of it was my friends’ sarky Facebook comments. #
  • RT @bigdaddymerkfor all the joking, I’m kinda sad. Jacko made ace music and was a part of my childhood. rest in peace you freaky weirdo. #
  • Actually, that’s the anthem, innit – “Shine On You Freaky Weirdo”. If only Quincy Jones and Eddie Van Halen were as talented as… oh, wait #
  • It’s actually pretty rude, from a UK pundit POV, for Jacko to die during Glasto – they’ll be far too wankered (inspired by @richardherring) #
  • RT @bigdaddymerk for all the joking, I’m kinda sad. Jacko made some ace music + was a part of my childhood. rest in peace you freaky weirdo #
  • (the @bigdaddymerk tweet was originally before the ‘Shine On” tweet, but I messed up the quoting. You wanna make something of it?) #
  • Nasty, but funny – RT @JamieRoss7 Michael Jackson must have finally destroyed that painting of an ageing black man he kept in his attic. #
  • I like the fact that #Rip Micheal Jackson is a trending topic. Whenever I’m dead, I hope #Rip Jhon Band is similarly popular #
  • “He’s a tinfoil-hatted, privacy obsessed gimp who runs a very dull blog” – oh, wait… #
  • Whilst I hate Perez Hilton, this is EXCELLENT: – as is anything that upsets the morons who’re upset by #jacksonfail #
  • Everyone connected with the Evening Standard should be sent to Wimbledon Common and enslaved by wombles #
  • Nigel Williams, author of The Wimbledon Poisoner, would never stoop so low as to write for the Evening Standard #
  • RT @Habitat_UK – I can’t believe Michael Jackson died during Wimbledon – now buy some furniture #toomanymemes #
  • Mass moonwalk 6pm today @ Liverpool St. Please RT #
  • Grumpy pretentious middle-aged wankers wankify: #
  • Tenuous: #
  • Irresponsible FTW: (from B3ta) #
  • waiting for train to office to train to train to airport to plane to lunch tomorow #
  • to plane to other office to hotel to plane to train to train to HOME! #
  • people keep saying today is muggy. rubbish, i haven’t been mugged once #
  • suspect india in monsoon will be hotter, humider, anyway… #
  • Private Eye definitely becoming Torier and more twattish. If such a thing possible. #
  • UPGRADE woo! #

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-06-21

  • Lunch & wine are required. #
  • The Last Boleyn Girl seems about as terrible as that sort of shit usually is. Hoping Jess will tire of it before we miss House #
  • Sorry, director, The Other Boleyn Girl was OK. Scarlett Johansson was heartbreakingly beautiful, but I suppose that’s what she’s for. #
  • I love Mondays. Oh, wait, no, it’s that other one… ‘hate’, that’s the bunny. #
  • Trying to decide which of ‘hunger’ and ‘not wanting to be rained on’ is most important motivator for me #
  • Call me a bleeding heart eejit, but 4 years in jail for sending pervy emails to 15-year-olds seems kind-of harsh: #
  • Wondering whether or not it was a good idea to use the same name as my Twitter ID and my online dating ID #
  • RT @dnotice I forgot to take my #homeopathy pill last night. Does this mean I’ve overdosed? #science #
  • A rather sweet Yank perspective on London; somehow it feels like it’s from 30 years ago… #
  • RT @antonvowl I’m worried about my cloak of anonymity. I’m sure I had it around here somewhere #
  • No, he took *some of your vast fortune*, not your life, you daft overmaterialist twat: #
  • RT @bengoldacre Anonymous blogger exposed by Eady: can we expose bad judges please? – I’m angrier, but he hits the point #
  • XKCD made me laugh out loud at my desk today: #
  • Can’t read the word ‘particleboard’ without thinking of , which is a problem given that I publish #
  • Absolutely excellent: #
  • This comment is also good: #
  • RT @Herring1967 Who is Virgilio Anderson? Please Retweet. #virgilioanderson #
  • RT @widnblog Prisons released from mere function #
  • Richard Rogers is excellent; if you don’t like his work you’re a philistine and almost certainly have a small penis. FACT #
  • (yes, even if you’re a girl) #
  • Lefties, lefties will tear themselves apart, again #politicsinjokes #rupertreadisatwat #
  • Harmless comedians jailed for, err, nothing: – graffiti is jolly and harmless; if you mind it, you’re a cunt #
  • & no, they didn’t ‘cost the taxpayer gbp70k’, TfL’s insane practice of erasing graffiti urgently instead of waiting til the next repaint did #
  • RT @edent: A police officer has just asked me to delete this photo of her van in a disabled bay #
  • Home educators really are paranoid loons: – and no, that doesn’t mean I think HE should be banned, just regulated… #
  • RT @mrpower Why do environmentalists trust science when it comes to climate change but not genetic engineering? #
  • Dragna, Quality name. Girl/dragon/combo. I like. Staying out tonight = unequivocally worthwhile #
  • RT @anniemole Hope you’re all smiling as today’s apparently the happiest day of the year #
  • Actually I’m grimly clinging onto consciousness trying to ignore the world’s most epic hangover, but chacun a son gout etc. #
  • “Psychologist Dr Cliff Arnall” is a twat #
  • Quality trompe l’oeil: – I’m hoping for outcome no. 1 #ihatecyclists (via @LDN) #
  • Today is dragging. #
  • RT @antonvowl @bounder – Worst Daily Mail poll ever. Vote yes to skew the results and pass it on #
  • Just heard 1 Canada Square described as the “Thatcher Memorial Obelisk”. That’s quite wonderful. #
  • Haha, excellent: #
  • (I’ve just been bummed by a) Priest #irishmovies #
  • One Wedding, A Fight, and Four Funerals #irishmovies #
  • This is epic skillz – – and reminds me of the time my friend met Nina Simone #
  • Sorry, that was supposed to be RT’d @anattendantlord #
  • Michael Collins (would have made a good president instead of that useless hick twat Valera, shame the IRA shot him) #irishmovies #
  • Sean of the Dead #irishmovies #
  • Correlli Barnett claims to be a historian. He is mistaken: – least accurate account of 20th century UK history EVER #
  • I caught @mrpower lying on #twables #
  • If you can’t find the Fritzl book, another Father’s Day option: #
  • This is unspeakably vile: #hangthedailymailandeveryonewhobuysit #

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-06-14

  • Can some Eurologist like @nosemonkey explain how the BNP got a seat in NW on 8% of vote, but not in E Mids or NE on more than that? #
  • RT @qwghlm In case you haven’t seen it already, B3ta sums it up best #theBNParetwats #
  • Thanks everyone. Why on earth didn’t they make the constituencies comparably sized? (8 vs 3 is just silly) #
  • It’s worth noting the BNP vote was *down* compared with the last Euro elections. They’re the same bigots as before, not new ones… #
  • Lazy eejits let Nazi in: “if 5000 more people in the NW had voted Green, Griffin wouldn’t be off to Strasbourg” #
  • “Less a putsch than a series of tschoves” #
  • ‘Inverting the lexicon of politics and history [by calling the BNP left-wing] is political correctness gone mad’ #
  • Nazi results: Stoke is Nazi-est, Barnsley second, Havering 3rd: #
  • Stoke is 93% white, Barnsley 98%, Havering 91%. ALL SWAMPED BY EVIL HORDES OF IMMIGRANTS THEY ARE, and definitely not just bigoted cunts #
  • Haha, brilliant: #istherightthingtodo #andfuckstheTories #
  • RT @charlottelydia: NickGriffin thinks immigration is ‘colonialism’. Well I’m a historian of colonialism, and I think Nick Griffin is a cunt #
  • The only time I’ll agree with the English Democrats on anything is that ‘diversity officers’ are wastes of space: #
  • What’s wrong with ‘let people from everywhere in’, ‘ban them from being fucked over’ but ‘allow & encourage satire & mockery of all by all’? #
  • Just lost at TV: endured Sex In The City, but then wasn’t allowed Ross Kemp’s Pirates in recompense. Need to cut down trees or something. #
  • RT @johnnyminkley Man Utd should buy Newcastle with the proceeds. Just for laughs. #ronaldo #
  • Do anti-EU eejits who think ‘we can’t vote for the Commission’ is a sane argument also think it’s an outrage we can’t vote for the Cabinet? #
  • Great way to waste an afternoon- all the Beatles’ songs, reviewed & ranked in reverse order of merit: #
  • Wondering if there’s really much difference in ‘Independence’ terms between the current & the potential slightly-dodgy foreign proprietor #
  • For provincial readers, electricity is a magical invisible force that can move things without the aid of horses & rope #
  • I’ve given up on data export (‘one memory stick, 4 computers, 50GB of data’ is mildly *more* unpleasant than 2girls1cup…) & drinking wine #
  • Before anyone fears for my health, I mean I’ve given up on data export and *am now* drinking wine #
  • Top Twitter Trending Topics currently appear to include “David Carradine’s Air France Flight”. Now that’s a B-movie I’d hire. #
  • RT @TACJ I am become deaf. Mishearer of words. #
  • My moderate take on BNP apologists: #
  • Fuck Prince Charles. Twunt. Can’t believe the woo-woo promoting, modern-world-hating tosser is gonna be king: #
  • New BOFH reminds me of major ‘err, IT, WTF’ point: since storage costs ~nothing, why *are* mailboxes limited to 200MB? #
  • The only way to demonstrate to the world that we see Griffin as an eggworthy disgrace is to repeatedly pelt him with eggs: #
  • RT @hungbunny I’m off my tits. (You wouldn’t like them much either, they’re quite hairy.) #
  • got – woo. #
  • I’m no Bob Crow fan, but Simon Heffer should be nailed to a plank: #

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-06-07

  • UKIP aren’t just comedy loons, they’re lying bigots: #ukiparetwats #
  • Green Party in ‘don’t understand decentralised decision-making or economics; are hacks’ shock: #
  • Eric Moody may be an ex-BA captain, but he’s also a disgraceful rentaquote hack: #
  • CNN were reading off messageboard posts from an unmoderated aeroplane fans’ forum last night as expert commentary on AF447 #
  • …so @themanwhofell on right track with ‘TWITTERNEWS’, TV with unsubstantiated news snippets broadcast by admin clerks in NW11 #twitternews #
  • Heh: RT @qwghlm Yeah I’m also watching my DVDs of LOST tonight for full poor taste experience #
  • RT @qwghlm Since voting for a minor party is our best hope of keeping out the BNP, I’m seriously considering voting Labour tomorrow #
  • Good night. Strange night. Suppose that’s how it goes… #
  • Haha, survivalism at its best RT @widnblog Chinese billionaires build Noah’s Ark to tide over recession #
  • RT @twentymajor When will celebrities learn that strangley wanks are best avoided? Or at least have someone do the strangling for you. #
  • RT @ironmanrecords good to see BNP candidates get extra use out of suits they normally just use for court appearances #theBNParetwats #
  • 92% of London Daily News readers in ‘are paranoid idiots’ shock: #
  • Why are ballot papers in alphabetical order anyway? Surely they should be randomised…? #
  • & yup, just voted. Decided that ‘not corrupt’ and ‘not evil’ trumped ‘sensible about medical science’, for an EU seat at least #
  • Can’t believe people still care about this shit. It’s even more tedious and dated than Westminster politics #bb10 #
  • YES, THIS! RT @emeraldbile How tedious – all those Labour chavs who diddled the pin money are leaving or something. Yawny yawny cunt cunt. #
  • Water ‘wet’: #
  • For anyone who voted BNP on Thursday, this:
    #thebnparetwats #
  • If you liked Happy Tree Friends, this: #
  • Do not click this link. NSFW, or indeed anywhere else: #
  • Every ninth person in Leicester is a cunt RT @tipexxed 26,279 people in Leics voted BNP, 12% of those who voted. One in every 8.5 people. #
  • The ignorant bastards commenting on this excellent article should all be hanged: #
  • I’m not, in general, a fan of Tory politicians, but Mary Scanlon MSP is t3h excellents: #

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-05-31

  • Not enjoying return to work. Feel utterly poleaxed, even though Monday was a day of great sobriety and moderation. #
  • “What’s *like* Butt Hole but slightly more polite?” “I know, ‘Archer’!” #
  • @antonvowl @billybragg bloody hell, that’s some scary voodoo you’ve got there #
  • Germans in ‘even more terrifyingly insane than us’ award: #
  • Early night. Tour of half-built railway line in the morning. Good follow-up to silly weekend. #
  • @bloggerheads shame Izzard didn’t mention that best way to keep #thebnparetwats out is voting green #
  • I wwonder if ppl who thought falling £/$ rates = OMG WE’RE FUXXORED now think we’re in a new age of milk and honey #
  • Just overheard in office: “the bad news is you’re sacked, the good news is not yet so get on with your work” #
  • I *think* it was a joke #
  • “Banking industry now held in such contempt customers feel safer handing money to people who are openly Spanish” #
  • I now have 5 hours of recurring-forever meetings scheduled every single Monday, starting at 9AM. Woo. #
  • @mrpower wow, that’s some of the silliest nonsense I’ve ever read, even by US right-wing-blog standards never mind MSM in reply to mrpower #
  • Surely this should be Comic Sans? #
  • @antonvowl indeed. Hence, if I wanted to rile a typography lover, I’d use Comic Sans rather than Papyrus… #
  • Quality old joke repurposing: RT @chickyog Bill Cash: ‘my flat was incredibly small.’ Yeah, and so’s my violin, mate. #
  • @catdonnelly insert ‘careless wispa’ gag #
  • RT @antonvowl Dear Iain Dale, I think Nadine Dorries is a twat. This doesn’t mean I think you’re a twat. But as it happens, I do. #
  • I totally did this, and it totally worked: #
  • Grass “greener on other side”: #
  • “As you all know I’m a big fan of 70s prog/synth rock soundtracks to italian horror movies” is not a good way to begin an email #
  • I bought some trendy East German sneakers on ebay. Bastards reported me to the Stasi #
  • A guide to right-wing thought – RT @dnotice: Why the X hate the Y #
  • arr. too hungover. can you get new heads on eBay? #
  • @dnotice I’ve already got one of those! I want an unshrunken, unpickled, thoroughly hydrated one… #

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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-05-24

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Meme meme meme

Freemania has done tagged me with a meme: 7 things I love. Not in order, and probably not accurate.

1) intelligent girl-pop. c.f.

2) Chris Morris. Explanation required? Go elsewhere.

3) London. Everything about London. Name a thing you don’t like about London and I’ll like it. Well, apart from fiver-a-mile cab fares.

4) Writing. Oh come on, duh.

5) Falling asleep with a woman I love already asleep on my chest, or failing that shoulder. Former not for a while, latter recent-er. Not particularly loving current carefree bachelor existence, in all honesty.

6) Not being poor. Which probably translates, certainly by global standards and maybe even UK standards, as ‘being fairly rich’. Knowing that if even if I get laid off in the downturn/recession/depression/apocalypse and can’t get a job, I’ve saved enough money in the bank to pay a good few years’ rent. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never spent more than gbp900 on anything at all – but do at least lead a fairly not-worrying-about-how-much-that’ll-cost life.

7) Puerile humour. ‘Fox in a box’. Viz. I suppose Chris Morris predicted that, but any bad pun or bad tastery (possibly aside from bad tastery that’s vindictively aimed at a non-loathsome group) wins my favour.

I don’t do re-tagging, but if I did, it’d probably be the best re-tagging in the world.

Top words

In an example of ‘embarrassing lack of imagination’, I’m going to post the top words that my phone believes I want to type when presented with a given letter. Maybe this could be a new meme, if people are really that bored.

NB I use my phone to blog, Twitter and send work emails, as well as txt msgs and personal emails. I’m assuming ‘vote’ is from blogging, ‘editorial’ from work, and ‘drunk’ from home life, although nothing is certain in this world. Oh, also my phone has a QWERTY keyboard, hence 2ABC not agglomerated together…

A: also / agree / airport / also happy ['airport' is the start of a theme]
B: based / been / because / be able to
C: can you / can you send / could / cheers [needy, me? think these are mostly work though]
D: driver / days / due to / drunk
E: email / entered / editorial / editor
F: flight / fine / from / flat
G: great / going / good / goes
H: however / have / have been / him to
I: it’s / it’s not / India / in the [It's not India? Well, why all the elephants and beggars then?]
J: job title / just / John / Jess [I'm there from signing off work emails]
K: know / know it’s / Kentish / Kentish Town [you know it's Kentish, Kentish Town, despite its geographical location]
L: less / last / line / least
M: most / make / mean / me know
N: need / need to / number / needs
O: on this / on the / on my / only
P: post / please / please can / please can you [again, think this is work]
Q: quid / queries / quite / quickly
R: rIGHT / road / rather / resolved [yes, I'm surprised by capitalisation here. Silly phone]
S: some / see you / should / should be
T: this / to be / that / the current
U: under / using / until / until we
V: vote / volume / voicemail / vine
W: will / with / which / wine [vine and wine. yay!]
X: Xavier [I've never typed 'Xavier' and don't know anyone called Xavier. Christ knows why HTC decided to put this as the only & default option for X. Maybe I'll get an x-ray just so I can tell people about it...]
Y: your / you get / you send / years
Z: Zealand / zones / zenith

Only 3 numbers have predictions attached:
1: 1925 / 1983 / 12ish [flight time, absolutely no idea but presumably the year, and time of day, respectively. There was a brief time when '1' came up with '17 year old', for reasons that baffled me - yes, I checked my sent messages, and nothing untoward was apparent]
3: 3 seats [to myself, on the Flight from the Airport to India at 1925]
7: 7ish [probably later formalised to 1925]

So, readers, what does my phone say about me? What’s the most amusing SMS you can create from the words above? What’re your favourite predictive messaging predictions?