What I’ve been up to, week ending 2009-12-27

  • Yes, English libel law v bad, etc. But wouldn't it be lovely if R Pachauri busted & ruined the odious Richard North? http://bit.ly/7Uycj9 #
  • Added bonus to #ratm Number 1 – it annoys po-faced far-right arseholes like this chap: http://bit.ly/7GSlAG #
  • RT @sueperkins: Middleaged woman on bus – 'Christmas is such a FUN time of year, not least because I always forget to take my medication…' #
  • Yes dear, of course there's a conspiracy between libel lawyers and terrorists. And lizards: http://bit.ly/8w7Nta #madmel #
  • Amazed that Edinburgh council still wastes money doing bins, street cleaning in-house. Do they make their own biros? http://bit.ly/654kRZ #
  • Sudanese climate negotiator Lumumba Di-Aping a vile piece of work http://bit.ly/5giHzh – a Sudanese govt official vile? Say it ain't so… #
  • Maine state representative Andrea Boland (D) is very, very stupid – http://bit.ly/5gbsdo (via @davidgerzof) #
  • In a city where death can be temporary, lunatic murderers are not treated with especial respect. … http://fallenlondon.com/c/2343 #
  • Interesting to see the Dixons campaign discussed – I think it's one of the best examples in years of making a virtue of brand limitations #
  • RT @thrustfault: FYI: A pizza with depth a and radius z has a volume of Pi z z a (via @ianvisits) #
  • Best Trailer Ever: http://bit.ly/9pQyC #
  • The Daily Mash nails it on tedious transport whiners: http://bit.ly/7SLOqg (although 'go outside and make a snowman' a fair alternative) #
  • It's *December 22*. If you're worrying about the impact of snow on anything work-related, rather than delighted, you're a massive prat #
  • Don't approve of this: http://bit.ly/8PasRO – BNP won't win HoC seat under *any circumstances at all* and depriving voter choice a Bad Thing #
  • Worth remembering that the public still loathe the Tories, they just hate NuL even more at the moment: http://bit.ly/5es98P #
  • Given that US airlines are even more corp-welfared and inept than banks, this post seems a bit off: http://bit.ly/8BUYDZ (via @felixsalmon) #
  • Very much enjoying Stumbling & Mumbling's Xmas post on logical fallacies in pop songs: http://bit.ly/4oDQB9 #
  • Evening Standard: "we need an expert on the economy – let's ask the manager of a bureau de change" – http://tinyurl.com/yzczac3 #
  • Obvious stuff, but needs doing & spreading: RT @leftfootfwd: Exposé of Daniel Hannan’s “Ten reasons to leave the EU” http://is.gd/5xq3O #
  • If you only read one niche-but-spot-on political viewpoint this holiday season, read Mark Wadsworth on home-owner-ism: http://bit.ly/6QlF7R #
  • Tools, printing-presses, guns, steam-engines: taxes from trade in these are payable to Mr Iron. T… http://fallenlondon.com/c/2512 #
  • Saw Catherine Tate on NMTB Dr Who special. Is she normally a) that thick b) that annoying? If so, perhaps she could team up with Peter Kay #
  • by "team up with", I mean "enter into a suicide pact with", obviously #
  • Confused by this post – http://bit.ly/6PsDaU – surely point of pic is to set 1950s pulp stereotypes vs West's cultured & Gaga's lairy image? #
  • New "violent deaths of teenagers" data unlikely to make the tabloids: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8424574.stm – yup, way down. Again. #
  • Lying Chinese propaganda of the day: http://bit.ly/6vH8Rd – #shamewedidntbreaktheplaceupproperlyinthe1860s #
  • No, I don't *actually* think we should've done more colonialism in China – just that world would be better with fewer superpower states #
  • RT @BorisWatch Q: 'What's got three doors, two staircases and no point?' A:Boris's Magic Wonder Bus. #
  • Today's ID card story http://bit.ly/76qXP5 isn't anti-ID-card at all: it merely proves travel operators = inept tossers. Which we knew. #
  • (*I* knew the Manc cards were happening nowish – if P&O's head of compliance didn't, what the hell is s/he paid to do?) #
  • Jamie K wins the "can't kill the festive spirit" award: http://bit.ly/7Jlhst – now I'm off for a gin-and-codeine #
  • Surprisingly good Cohen piece on rape http://tinyurl.com/yjpmq9c – although he does spoil it with mad deviation into made-up sharia rubbish #
  • Wow, far-left-blogland having a big China lovefest http://bit.ly/7SyG8a – CSIS funding, or just 'support anyone who says they're a commie'? #
  • Letters in and out of the city are routinely read. But one does not often intimately search a gen… http://fallenlondon.com/c/2750 #
  • REPLUG: if you only read one tale of mirth and woe this Xmas Eve, read my blogpost of mirth and woe: http://bit.ly/7bIIbB #
  • Oooh, the most middle-class tweet competition of the day is hotting up! #
  • RT @agentcharlotte DISASTER. All Plymouth pubs appear not to have mulled wine. DISTRAUGHT. #middleclasstweets #
  • RT @politic_animal Bugger. Knew I should have brought cooked chestnuts with me to mid Wales. I now have a terrine crisis. #middleclasstweets #
  • I was sceptical about the Obamacare deal, but this piece (wingnut alert) http://bit.ly/8v2BUV makes me think it's likely a Good Thing #
  • Xmas eve in, for the first time in ages – had to bale on cousin's bday clubbing for surgery-recovery reasons. Boo! #
  • (on plus side, a big group of mid-20s women were begging me to come out drinking with them, which is Insufficiently Prevalent) #
  • Blimey, it's not been a good month for evil old men who live in Italy. #
  • Merry Xmas. Let's hope it's a good one, without any John and Yoko. #
  • Presents opened, turkey stuffed, baconed & ovened, 3 hours til lunch ready. Woken at 7 by clock-misreading family, so back off to bed #
  • http://bit.ly/6rUBmZ "by celebrating Christmas one is really celebrating what humans are capable of creating for themselves" by @jackofkent #
  • Considering a move to Wimbledon #lies #gavinandstacey #
  • RT @kevcecil: Shame that Christmas day football match in the trenches was marred by the violence before and afterwards. #
  • NW253 debacle hilarious. Sane news sources say 'random nutter with French bangers'; Fox say 'Al Qaeda with special explosives from Yemen' #
  • If I set off a firework on a plane and tell the cops I'm the King of France, will Fox report a state-sponsored attack by French terrorists? #
  • Via @anattendantlord, "take me to Detroit!" "We're already going to Detroit" "Oh, err, good" – http://bit.ly/5fIJER #
  • Now AP quoting a Congressman who thinks NWA flies a LOS-AMS-DFW route: http://bit.ly/4Exlep – erm, yeah, crediblesourcetacular #
  • Still, congrats to Abdul Mudallad – despite no backing from anyone and nothing of any danger, he's gonna go well beyond his 15 minutes' fame #
  • I wonder if we'll get more pointless & stupid checkin & baggage restrictions as a lasting tribute to the AM-ster? #
  • RT @MalkyMuscular Plane bomber story – Now not the time for cool heads to prevail. Last man with unshat pants is the most appeasementy. Fact #
  • Pleased to see the chap who restrained nutjob Abdulmutallab is a cheese-eating European, not a red-blooded Yank: http://bit.ly/7V8lXl #
  • I can state with 100% confidence that Kurt Haskell is either lying or mentally ill: http://bit.ly/8DQjRm #
  • "before I start busking on the Gaza strip" – yes, this is excellence: http://bit.ly/13kSxW #
  • Dr Who is campy kids TV fun. The Wire is art. Pretending the former is superior to the latter is pretentious inverted snobbery. #

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A cock and ball story

For those of you who follow me on Twitter, and/or plough through the Twitter updates that get posted here instead of actual blogging, and/or know me in real life, you might be aware that I’ve been a bit out of sorts for the last couple of weeks.

By “a bit out of sorts”, I mean, “part of me died and started to rot inside me, and not in a poetic-metaphor kind of way, so I had to have emergency surgery to remove it after a week of unspeakably terrible pain and misery. And now I’m on copious quantities of prescription medication waiting for my stitches to heal“.

An important part in this saga is the utter rubbishness of the human male reproductive system – in itself proof either of no God or of a God who hates us. This manifests itself in many ways, but the most obvious is putting the testicles outside the body, conveniently mounted on a string that also carries their blood supply. [*].

If you wake up with a sharp pain in one testicle, there are three possible causes: cancer; epididymitis; and torsion. The first is, well, just cancer. The second is one of the most painful infections it’s possible to get, but responds well to antibiotics and time. The third involves the testicle having twisted on its blood vessel, like a knotted garden hosepipe, and means that the tissue will die of lack of blood if you don’t have surgery to unknot it within a few days.

Torsion normally happens to boys aged 14-20 who’re engaged in active sports. Epididymitis can be triggered by STDs or urinary tract infections; it’s most prevalent in men in their 20s and 30s when STD-caused and in men in their 50s and 60s when UTI-caused. And cancer happens to anyone who’s unlucky, but doesn’t usually hurt very much (unlike the treatment, which does).

I went to the doctor on Tuesday 8th December with A Massive Pain In The Balls (which, by the time I’d got through 24 hours of denial-this-was-anything-serious and 12 hours of signing-up-with-a-GP-and-getting-an-appointment, was a day and a half after onset), he examined the symptoms and decided that I almost certainly had epididymitis. Aside from the demographics, if it had been torsion, the testicle should’ve shown signs of dying after 36 hours, with the pain and swelling actually diminishing. So he prescribed me antibiotics, painkillers and bed-rest, and told me to go to the hospital urgently if things got better in the next day.

They, err, didn’t. MY GOD THEY DIDN’T.

Just thought you might want to know: my right testicle has swollen to the size of a kiwi fruit. This isn’t making me cheerful. #owowowowowow #

I don’t know if you’ve ever been in so much physical pain that, even though you’re desperate to sleep and have taken all the drowsiest painkillers you’re allowed without dying, you physically can’t? For me, that was the night of Tuesday 8th December. And the day of Wednesday 9th December. And the night of Wednesday 9th December. I managed to snatch a few hours’ sleep for 30 minutes at a time sitting on the toilet, as this was the only way of keeping the pressure off the afflicted bollock. I managed to read a couple of books, but had to change position at least once a minute. I ate some food standing up, mostly because I was aware I needed to try not to vomit up the antibiotics (partial success).

On the plus side, the doctor’s worst-case scenario of “if the pain gets better right away” hadn’t come through. So when, at about 3AM on Thursday 10th December, the pain dropped down to the extent that I managed to get to sleep in BED!!! for a few hours based solely on the maximum doses of codeine, ibuprofen, paracetamol and aspirin, clearly it was recovery time.

“Hooray Alexander Fleming, the wonderful antibiotics have quite literally saved my balls”.

By Friday evening, when the swelling hadn’t gone down at all, and the pain hadn’t diminished since shifting from unbearable to barely bearable, I was starting to be a little more sceptical. By Sunday evening, when the same was true but I’d also started feeling physically really nauseous and unwell, I’d moved on to becoming somewhat concerned. By the morning of Monday 14th, when the GP took one look at my swollen bollock, turned visibly pale and called the hospital for an urgent referral, the relevant emotion was closer to AAAAAAGHFECK.

A&E’s quite quiet first thing on a Monday morning. Having had my blood drained enough to feed a small vampire, and my piss taken more than an open-mic heckler, I got to see a specialist urologist, who seemed a bit less fazed than my GP. He reckoned it was probably an antibiotic-resistant infection, prescribed some SUPERTURBO antibiotics, but also sent me for an ultrasound scan to confirm what was going on. But the machine was booked up until Tuesday afternoon, so I went home with super-bug-killers and super-pain-killers to enjoy my recovery.

Yeah, haha.

Monday evening is a painkiller-y blur. I spent Tuesday morning trying not to vomit, since it’d be a waste of super-killers of both sorts, and waddled into the hospital (which, luckily, was just up the road from my house) for my scan. Unsurprisingly enough, being an ultrasound department, there were lots of happy-looking pregnant couples about the place; this didn’t help my mood.

The radiologist prodded around for a while, and then turned to me with an earnest, “I’ve just been on a people skills course” sombre expression. “Well, Mr Band, the good news is that your left testicle is perfectly normal”.

Yes. I know my left testicle is perfectly normal. Specifically, it’s not the size of a kiwi fruit and incredibly painful.

“But the bad news is that there’s no blood flow in your right testicle”.

Oh shit. That means it’s dead, right? And it’ll need chopped?

“I can’t comment on treatments, you’ll have to go directly to the urologist. Godspeed, etc”.

So, to A&E again. “Yes, I’ve just come from scanning upstairs. Yes, I know normally you send people up there… oh, look, please just let me see the nurse so she can see my notes… thanks”.

My urologist now looks a little more fazed. He’s seen the scan, he knows that the testicle is dead, he knows it’ll need chopped. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know anything about how the operation works, because he’s a junior doctor who’s only recently started urology rotation and has never actually been involved with an orchidectomy (cutting-bollock-off) before. Damn, maybe that was why he didn’t look fazed yesterday.

The operation is booked for 2AM the next day, Wednesday 16th December. My 31st birthday is on Thursday 17th December. I reschedule my party.

Then I phone my friend who’s a GP (for advice and second opinions), I phone my friend who had a testicle cut off when he was 20 (for consolation plus advice on wombling skills), and I phone the usual coterie of loved ones (minus the ones who’re sufficiently old and ill that they probably don’t need to know). And almost bang on cue, I’m escorted up to the surgical ward.

Waiting for the Death Panels to decide whether I should have a testicle cut off tonight #
Death Panels vote “yes”, partial castration in 1 hour and counting. Hurrah! #
My friend Nic has very kindly brought me a bag of plums and a sack of nuts to take my mind off the op #

Assorted nurses put me on a drip in a bed, with a big Nil By Mouth sign up. Visiting Time, and sister and Nic unexpectedly but awesomely appear. Nic brings a bag of plums and a sack of nuts, which amuses me. Sister brings collection of Alan Coren’s writings, which amuses me after they’ve gone, as well as fetching clothes [**], toothpaste, etc from my flat because she is excellent. Nurse chases sister and Nic away, because it’s the end of Visiting Time and this is a 1960s Ealing comedy.

At this point, through pain, tiredness lack of food and surfeit of drugs, things start to go a bit sketchy (this is also the point where the doctors meticulously explained to me what was going to happen, and where I signed the consent forms – hurrah). It became clear that the plan was to open up my scrotum, see what they could do about the right testicle, remove it if the answer was “not much”, and then pin the left one properly into place so it couldn’t twist and leave me in really serious trouble in future.

The Filipino porter chatted to me about his kids on the way down to theatre. “You’re 30 and you don’t have kids? You don’t know what you’re missing. What’re you coming down to surgery for anyway… oh, sorry”.

A friendly anaesthetist offered me a gin and tonic. “Do you like gin and tonic?” Yes, yes I do. “Well this is almost exactly like a gin and tonic, but intravenously. It’ll tend to make you feel a bit drunk”. Excellent, this will probably be the least miserable thing to have happened in a week. Blimey, it’s working. Ooh, this is fun. “Just noticed your date of birth – should we sing Happy Birthday?” No, it’s not til tomorrow “But it is tomorrow – it’s 3AM” No, it’s still the 16th “Ooops, sorry. Now, in a minute we’ll give you the main anaesthetic…”

“Wake up, we need to check your dressing” Ow, what’s going on? It’s light. Did the op get cancelled… oh, no, it really didn’t. “Hang on”. Ooh, why’s she putting a syringe in my mouth… ah, it’s oral morphine. This is probably OK…”

And, barring a drain-removal, massive pile of drugs to take home, and rapid same-day discharge from the hospital, that’s pretty much where I am a week later.

The ball was properly dead, almost certainly from an undetected torsion. The GP wasn’t incompetent, either – it just managed to stay alive for far longer than it should’ve done (thanks for trying, I guess). Its companion works properly (and yes, if you really must know, I’ve tested); scrotal stitches are bloody uncomfortable and take an age to heal and the discomfort gets worse as the hair grows back; and I still can’t really do very much [***] – but on aggregate I no longer trawl through life in misery and suffering feeling like death would be a merciful relief.

That’s the reality of physical suffering, and I’m not sure – despite various broken bones, bad flus and food poisonings – I’ve come anywhere close to it before. When the doctor told me he was going to cut off my testicle I was actually delighted, because at least that might, just about, MAKE IT STOP. The pain that I felt when my testicle was DYING INSIDE OF ME is more than the average man will undergo ever [****]. It’s humbling to reflect that whatever one’s brain might be able to achieve, the meat around it definitely has the right of veto over anything it proposes…

So, that’s about it for the story. Happy Christmas. If you’re a chap and your balls hurt, go to the doctor right now. And yes, I did still manage to raise a glass of champagne for my birthday – otherwise the gangrenous body parts Would Have Already Won.

Oh, finally: thanks, separately, to Stewart Lee and Richard Herring for sending autographed testicular memorabilia to cheer me up (I missed Stu’s gig because of the bollockage, but he very kindly autographed a DVD in memory of my loss; when I cheekily emailed Rich to ask him to rise to his former partner’s challenge, he even more kindly rose to the challenge and posted me [something which was excellent – I’ll update this with more detail when the Post Office actually brings it round]).

[*]The potential for short-term physical harm created by this arrangement is at least useful in evening up the fighting odds between men and women.
[**] she fetched clothes. They weren’t fetching clothes; in all honesty I wasn’t looking my best at the time so this was OK.
[***] insert “so what’s new” gag here
[****] the average woman apparently has it slightly worse a couple of times in her life, although usually it’s a jollier and more adrenalin-packed occasion. Even so, this has given me a whole new take on that process…

The public get what the public deserve

This rings bells:

During the 1990s boom, the public favored expanded social spending and tax cuts over paying down the national debt. Today, by overwhelming margins, they favor an immediate balanced budget, even in the face of economic catastrophe.

That is, of course, insane. But Republicans have taken full advantage of the public’s fiscal insanity.

The depressing thing for UK people, of course, is that over here the raving populist balance-the-budget-at-the-economy’s-expense nutters are about to take over, rather than just having been defeated.

Meh, vote for whoever you like, I’m moving to Australia in January anyway. Mineral wealth, newly-elected centre-left government, and no bloody ice. And about as far as you can get from George bloody Osborne…

What I’ve been up to, week ending 2009-12-20

  • Is NEF funded by evil right-wing big business, to spread the belief that lefties are idiots who understand fuck all? http://bit.ly/5xKBHL #
  • If so, its latest report would be an impressive piece of work, and not merely a *facepalm* *spang* *facepalm* disgrace. #
  • Enjoying the way @NewStatesman is currently deploying server-side ad-blocking; wonder if it'll catch on? http://bit.ly/8TTMWX #
  • Sometimes Prince Philip is vile. Sometimes rather sweet. This is definitely the latter; people who say otherwise fools http://bit.ly/664nuC #
  • RT @mediaguardian C4 buys second series of Charlie Brooker quiz http://bit.ly/5Hp2ln <- hurrah! #
  • I've just heard Tim Minchin's Xmas song: http://bit.ly/5NEUvO – only problem with campaign to get it in charts etc is that it's *terrible* #
  • Top quality correction from the far-left press: http://is.gd/5nCtX (via @dnotice) #
  • A lovely Xmas gift for the AGW-denial loony in your life: http://is.gd/5nM2D (by @alun, via @mjrobbins) #
  • Dear The Times: getting a gang, knocking someone down, & beating him w/sticks until he's brain-damaged != 'courageous': http://bit.ly/5CPoLj #
  • I hope that when I die, I'll receive at least one obituary as touching and heartfelt as Enkidu Brooke's: http://bit.ly/4LjyZH – RIP #
  • Don't get the 'but they're both Sony' point on Xmas #1: yes, & so were the Clash. Major label doesn't mean rubbish, but S Cowell does #
  • Waiting for the Death Panels to decide whether I should have a testicle cut off tonight #
  • Death Panels vote "yes", partial castration in 1 hour and counting. Hurrah! #
  • My friend Nick has very kindly brought me a bag of plums and a sack of nuts to take my mind off the op #
  • alll seems to have gone ok, huzzah #
  • http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VIxkqoNi8I4&hl=en-GB&gl=GB&client=mv-google #
  • .@catdonn for my 21st bday I got dumped, so jury still out on worst ever. will see how i feel tomorrow… #
  • RT @VizLetterBocks: Just bought Xmas tree. Assistant asked "Will you be putting this up yourself?" I replied "No – Its going in the lounge" #
  • Home. Bed. Fully alive and all that. Blog post tomorrow. #
  • Had Muneer Hussain stopped beating Walid Salem before brain-damaging him, Salem would've been fit for trial & would've got way over 30 mths #
  • Meanwhile, Hussain would either have been charged with ABH or more likely nothing, and probably wouldn't be in jail at all. Lesson: OBVIOUS #
  • How do Tories get to be so *utterly bloody stupid*? http://tinyurl.com/ya7ek9l #
  • RATM: not keen on doing what you tell them – http://a.gd/787f7d (I've downloaded the single, so should you) #
  • Anglicans witty & irreverent; Catholics humourless arseholes. As usual, glad my cultural religion one of the least bad: http://bit.ly/6l0l7e #
  • TRADE UNION LEADERS: if you can easily win a vote without rigging it, then *don't rig it*. Idiots: http://bit.ly/4KqpJQ #politicaltoptips #
  • RT @chrisk27 750000 ppl on RATM FB group and 150000 copies of 'Killing in the name' DLed… 600000 anarchists need to get their skates on #
  • RT @RATM4Xmas: RATM 306115, X-FACTOR 297192. Less than 10,000 lead now. Do your bit at http://bit.ly/ratm-itunes #ratm4xmas #
  • I got writer & angle from headline, can you? "It's a scandal how our money is going down the Tube, PS I'm a git" http://tinyurl.com/ydugcrf #
  • The reason not to publish Mo'toons has 0% to do with 'ooh, crazy Muslims will jihad me', & 100% to do with them being bigoted unfunny shit #
  • RT @BorisWatch the mark of a civilised man is that he recognises the right to publish and the good taste not to. #
  • Yup, if I were French, I'd probably pretend not to understand this bunch of Essex w*nkers either: http://bit.ly/4vH5sq #passengerfail #
  • Easy-RATM-purchasing: http://bit.ly/amazonratm #
  • Disagree with @themanwhofell – literally can't think of anything better than Senser, Credit To The Nation & Collapsed Lung revival #
  • The Climb isn't a great song, but hearing the M Cyrus original an interesting reminder of how *staggeringly* worthless McElderry is #
  • Which cats know most? Purportedly the cats of the city know a secret or two. The common tabbies a… http://fallenlondon.com/c/2170 #
  • RT @Paul_Anderson: Bill Keegan sensible as ever on economic policy http://bit.ly/64SI1t #
  • Peter Kay should be silenced, by any means necessary. WHO BUYS HIS CRAP? WHY? At least X-Factor fans are 12yos who don't know any better.. #
  • Woo yay. Grumpy geeks win out vs tween girls and their grannies. This is as it should be. #
  • A nice little bit of alt-history from the Staggers: http://www.newstatesman.com/uk-politics/2009/12/iraq-war-clarke-tories #
  • Entertaining Cowell-bashing PR from the Fabians at @nextlefthttp://bit.ly/4s1Bt4 #
  • Food left in house: steak; spinach; camembert. End dinner result: steak with spinach & camembert sauce is a Good Thing. #
  • (other food left in house included herring paste, salsa and piccalilli, but I decided to save those for another occasion) #
  • Massively enjoying http://echobazaar.failbettergames.com/ (this is a real tweet of timewasting advice, not a game-generated spamplug) #

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What I’ve been up to, week ending 2009-12-13

  • RT @RadioKate Arriving at my home tube station late last night I was greeted by this fantastic/unexpected sight! http://twitpic.com/sebvd #
  • Excellent piece from Unity at LC on the distinction between AGW sceptics (good) and deniers (crazy): http://bit.ly/7QO71y #
  • Bring Back Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle: http://bit.ly/3kHra – after 1,000 series, the BBC will have almost atoned for Horne and Corden #
  • Jesus on a pedalo, it's a Richard Littlejohn article I agree with: http://bit.ly/8Vrt66 [fx: feels sullied] #
  • I wonder if the "global warming stopped 10 years ago" liars will shut up now: http://bit.ly/8Y61Ug #ofcoursetheywont #
  • Controversial I know but 7 days jail + grog ASBO sounds about right for alkie who grabs someone w/o apparent malice & causes minor injuries #
  • …at least about right punishmentwise, clearly the poor bugger needs help if he's not just going to end up in jail for breaching ASBO #
  • Wow, the NHS works. 8AM today: not even NHS registered; 5PM today: signed up, seen by nurse & doctor, inspected, diagnosed & prescribed #
  • …and all for the princely sum of gbp7.50. #
  • Hooray, Chrome for Mac now out & installed, no more suffering the horrible Safari! #
  • Stupid law that panders to bigots by banning something that's already illegal in "screws innocent people over" shock: http://bit.ly/5AcHxM #
  • Why exactly do the Arabs who stole Egypt from the original Egyptians have any more moral right to the Rosetta Stone than we do? #
  • Just thought you might want to know: my right testicle has swollen to the size of a kiwi fruit. This isn't making me cheerful. #owowowowowow #
  • Dear People Whining About Having To Pay More Tax, shut up. We're some of the richest people ever to live, we can afford it. Regards, John #
  • Heresy Corner veers wildly between maddening and brilliant. This is the second: http://bit.ly/8JaBNx #
  • Hooray: the one aspect of his reign that's exceeded expections -> RT @BorisWatch Boris approves another tower – http://tinyurl.com/yzqh4xx #
  • Right-whingers constantly rail that UK is economically screwed. Data just points to a tough couple of years. Are they lying or just stupid? #
  • Zombie kittens FTW: http://www.b3ta.com/links/MEOW:3 #
  • PwC and KPMG are the neoliberal equivalent of the Politburo: http://bit.ly/54HOSj – also, mad Gerry Hassan is mad #
  • Hmm. If an interfering busybody abused me & threw things at me, I wouldn't glass them – but 18 months still seems harsh http://bit.ly/6FRUQl #
  • RT @doctorow: Legal fundraiser for Dr Peter Watts, CDN SF writer, beaten/jailed at US border http://tinyurl.com/yepugdv <- scumbastards #
  • (that's "US border control are scumbastards", both from this story and from every interaction I've had with them) #
  • Jealous of #squiffyfriday-ers as I settle for an #illfriday #
  • (my last blogpost title is a bit like the "Banned Katie Perry Upskirt Video" one from last summer, but in reverse – go have a read) #
  • Go to 1m24: RT @BishopandDouch David Cross on Fucked Up's 'Do they Know it's Christmas' is already an Xmas highlight http://bit.ly/7teAmp #
  • Lord Monckton, it's time for your medication: http://bit.ly/4XLnSw (via @dontgetfooled) #denialoonies #
  • UN Prohibitionist & Puritan In Chief in 'is lying self-aggrandising tool' shock: http://bit.ly/6p4MiY (via @bloggerheads) #
  • All it needs is a matching 'credit card application booth' and you have the Thatcher settlement in toy form: http://tiny.cc/ZTeD2 #
  • (sorry, last was via @marcusbrig) #

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Profiting from the right kind of idiots

Gambling companies draw a lot of stick for profiting from people with psychological or emotional problems and people with learning difficulties. At their worst, they can offer vestiges of hope to the damaged that lead them into a spiral of addiction and ruin.

However, not all attempts by gambling companies to profit on the stupid views that idiots hold are quite so reprehensible. For example, PaddyPower is currently offering odds of 6/4 against that the UK will lose its AAA credit rating by the end of January.

The UK won’t lose its AAA credit rating by the end of January. If you believe the UK will lose its AAA credit rating by the end of January, then you score an absolute maximum “Fat UKIP voter in the pub” on the “Warren Buffett’s IFA to Crazy Tramp Shitting Through A Letterbox” scale of ‘understands financial markets’ (this is about one point below George Osborne, fact fans).

So crazed EVILZANULIEBOURHAVERUINEDOURCOUNTRY!!!!-ites will lose their cash to an Irish joke. That’s good news all round. Incidentally – I’ve checked, and PaddyPower very sensibly aren’t running the bet the other way.

Legal guidelines for photographers in England and Wales

In the wake of the Guardian newspaper’s treacherous attempts to photograph the secret, hitherto unseen building at 1 St Mary Axe, everyone considering taking photographs in public places in England and Wales should really ensure they’re aware of the complex legal situation surrounding photography.

A conventional reading of the law can be seen in this memo from Chief Constable Andy Trotter, head of the Association of Chief Police Officers, where he reiterates many times that “there are no powers prohibiting the taking of photographs, film or digital images in a public place“.

However, layman as he is, Constable Trotter has failed to consider three very important legal concepts in this matter: the doctrines of ‘jobbious worthious’, ‘soulibus stealibus’, and ‘facina nonce’. Respectively:

1) Jobbious worthious highlights the long-established precedent that any arsehole in a uniform [*] has the absolute right to tell you what to do, demand respect at all times, pretend that he’s a policeman, and be backed up by the real police when they arrive, despite the fact that the closest he’s come to an understanding of the law is the time he got cautioned for beating up some bleedin’ liberty- taker after 12 Stellas on a Saturday night.

2) Soulibus stealibus relates to the fact that the fact that if you take a photograph of someone in any context in a public place you are, ipse facto, guilty of ‘infringing their bleedin’ human rights’. The harm done to the victim reflects the fact that your camera captures a proportion of their soul with each click (proportion captured depends on size of camera, which is why cameraphones are viewed as less serious and tripods as worst of all), and hence the social concern that with sufficient photographs you’ll start to own the person in a voodoo-slavemaster capacity.

3) Facina nonce takes precedence over soulibus stealibus in the event that there is anyone who is, resembles, or has ever been, a child in any part of the
photograph. In this context, you are automatically guilty of making and distributing child pornography (which is defined as anything that a person who is sexually excited by photographs of children, irrespective of context or content, might be sexually excited by), and hence will be summarily hanged.

[*] applies to: security guard uniforms; PCSO uniforms; railway staff uniforms. Does not apply to: school uniforms, although see point 3.